Choosing Fulfilment

You’re busy unpacking your boxes in a place that you didn’t really want to move to. As you try to solve the seemingly impossible puzzle of fitting your stuff into a tiny cramped house, you feel a knot of resentment in your stomach towards your partner. You constantly think about the personal sacrifices you’re making: your career, your family, your friends, all for someone else’s career. You tell yourself that you didn’t really have a choice. Your spouse’s salary contributes more to the family income than yours did, and besides, how could you be the one to say no to such an amazing career opportunity? Your partner would never have forgiven you. But you just know that you are going to be miserable here.

You made a choice

Whether you realise it or not, whether it was active or passive, you made a choice. You may have made it because it was only slightly more palatable than the alternative (lasting resentment from your partner at being held back, arguments, divorce...). Or you may not have voiced your feelings because of real or imagined consequences. Remember that by not making a choice, you are making a choice!

Embrace your choice

When you feel as if you didn’t have a choice, you can blame someone else (probably your spouse or partner, or perhaps their employer). Feeling as if you didn’t have a choice absolves you of responsibility for your own life and outcomes. “I knew there would be nothing for me here it but I had no choice.” It’s easier to be angry (yes, at your spouse/partner/their employer) and to be angry and frustrated because you feel you didn’t choose to be there. But it’s not going to make you happy.

How can you take ownership of the choice you made?

• Consider how being unhappy serves you*. Perhaps it’s because if this all goes wrong you need to have someone else to blame or you think that if you are miserable, your spouse will realise that you shouldn’t be here and will address the issue for you without it becoming a conflict. Some people are afraid of failure, and it’s just easier to be miserable than to try then fail or sometimes they are punishing their spouse or partner. Whatever the reason, understanding is the first step towards change.
• To move forward it often important to acknowledge the truth of your story and reframe you language (be as honest with yourself as you can) “I chose to come here because I put my partner’s needs before my own”; “I chose to come here because I was afraid of the consequences of saying no”; “I made a choice without thinking about the reality of life in my new country” Whatever it is acknowledge the truth of your personal situation.

Accept your reality

Of course you can choose to go home, but if circumstances mean that is not possible, then why not invest your energy into creating you new life. Easy for us to write, but how do you dig yourself out of that deep hole and begin the journey to a more fulfilling life?

The first step is to accept your current reality. There is a distinction here between acceptance and resignation; acceptance doesn’t mean that you should be happy where you are or that you won’t want to change your circumstances. It simply means that you have a realistic base from which you can make a plan for your future. An analogy would be planning a journey from A to B; your directions will get you there, but not if you’re starting from C.

Let go of the life you thought you would have

The road to acceptance might also include letting go of the life you thought you would have so that you can accept the one you have. That’s where the real work really begins. Letting go of (or at least postponing) a vision you have had for your life, which is maybe so ingrained as to be part of your identity, is not going to be easy. But in letting go, you’ll create space for a new vision.

Then the fun really starts – getting to the heart of who you are and how you might find fulfilment. But we’ll save that one for a later post.

* We realise that for some people the sadness that they experience after an international move goes deeper. If you are experiencing sustained sadness feelings of hopelessness that can’t be lifted, this website http://internationaltherapistdirectory.com/directory/ provides listings of qualified therapists in many countries.